Running Down A Dream

Photo: Angela Molloy Murphy

I wouldnt insult the running community by claiming I'm a runner. That said, I've been running lately and learned some interesting things. Besides pain in muscles I didn't know I had, I realized that when I run, I have to "zone out", daydream to not feel the anxiety, anger and physical pain thats flying around the inside of me when I'm panting like an old dog. The daydreaming I'm doing when I run is like jumping into a river and swimming to the other side. I feel like the shore I left is too far behind to turn around and go back. That the "other side" is getting closer and I can't wait to get there. I can't very well stop swimming and float, because I'd drown. The fear of drowning is the fear of injury I'm thinking about as I run, fear of falling, of humiliation, of not being accepted, of getting older, of being alone, of death. I figure that if I keep swimming and make it to the other side, I've conquered those fears and can feel at peace on the shore of the of the other side. Sure, death, injury, isolation are on that shore as well, but I'll feel like I kicked those demons in the ass.  I felt that last night when I ran farther than I ever have since leaving the Army 13 years ago. It was a physical milestone, but more importantly, it felt like I broke free of some things that grab on to me now and again.